How I got clear about my truest motivation

If anyone asked me why I was doing a postdoc, I’d answer “to gain the new skills and knowledge to go into this new field that I like”. If I was prodded a little bit more: “I had such a good experience during my PhD that I wanted to try academia as a career path”. Or “I don't know if I will like industry- my mom hated it”. All those things were true.

And at the same time, they did not reflect the truest need served by my postdoc. 

One morning, I stood in the lab, watching yet again how my hard work had helped the lab get grant money. Once again, I had not been acknowledged, not even a Thank you. I asked myself “So why was I here then?” And one answer rose crystal clear for me:

“You are here because You don't want to go back. You want the fastest possible path to immigrate to the U.S”

As soon as those words came out, I was inundated with a sense of calm. I was still very frustrated with my project, and with my boss.

But I also felt relief. I felt that I had arrived at a true motivation.

I had been in this postdoc for a year and a half without understanding my primary motivation!

The path forward seemed a lot clearer. I was sad about some of the things I might need to let go of, but I also felt a lot less confused and lost. 

My answer came in perfect clarity in a moment of frustration. Your answer does not need to wait till you are upset or frustrated. You can journal to find it. And it will probably save you some pain.